There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
