i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
im six kinds of drunk right now
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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