I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
