cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
