I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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