So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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