So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
