Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
