If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
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