My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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