I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
