tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
mondays should just be called national damage control day
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
