worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
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