Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize