I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize