I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
