Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
