Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
