Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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