My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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