Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
