the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I just googled if crying burns calories
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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