so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
