Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Randomize
