I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
