I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
