I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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