my being single is dangerous.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
