Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Randomize
