that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
