Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
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