I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Randomize
