Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You should frame my arrest warrant.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
