everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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