wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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