I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
