my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
