Tell her she can't have a vagina
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
organizing the empties. That sober.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
