ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
