The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
