Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
