This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I need to sanitize my soul.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
