I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
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