This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
