I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
