it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
