You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My friends, they love my intelligence
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Randomize
