listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
