Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
