No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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