i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
