I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
