Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
