So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
