wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
