Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
