I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize