I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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