She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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