I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
