I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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